XXX-Mas

Director - James Dean (Fountaine and the Vengeful Nun Who Wouldn't Die)

Starring - Drew Marvick (Pool Party Massacre, Murdercise), Morrigan Thompson-Milam (Crackcoon, Blood and Breakfast), and Jonathan May (Unresolved, Fountaine and the Vengeful Nun Who Wouldn't Die)

Release Date - 2023

Genre - Horror/Comedy

Tagline - "The naughty list just got deadly"

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection)

Rating (out of 5):

    I spent a good portion of December binging as many Christmas themed movies as I could.  Luckily, Tubi has a surplus of Christmas centered horror films to choose from.  I spent days watching no budget films about Krampus, killer elves, and so on before I wanted something a bit more.  That's when I remembered that several months back I bought James Dean's XXX-Mas on blu and put up for December.  I quickly rushed to my movie collection to snag the blu to watch.  I'm glad I remembered because this film did not disappoint.  

     The film follows an adult film crew as they work on a feature length fuck flick about Santa.  However, Santa (Marvick) himself finds out about this and sets out to kill everyone involved one by one.

     XXX-Mas was a lot of fun but it had some serious issues.  While the issues stopped me from giving it a 4 or 5 out of 5, it doesn't stop me from enjoying it the way it is.  It's a blast from start to finish and the cast makes the film one that you can watch over and over again without tiring of it.  The acting in this one is one of the highlights of the film.  Drew Marvick never disappoints in front of the camera.  He could be hosting a cooking channel on Tik Tok or being solicited for sex at a gym.  If the camera is on him then you know you are going to have a great time.  XXX-Mas is no different.  We still get some scenes showcasing his comedic side but most of the film shows how well he can portray a cold-blooded killer.  The remaining cast is just as great.  We see some of my favorite indie scream queens/starlets show why they are continuously being cast in so many amazing project.   Morrigan Thompson-Milam and Jessa Flux both show that they have the looks and on screen talent to steal the show.  Both of them, regardless of the film you see them in, will go above and beyond for the project.  This one is also my introduction to Madilynn Paige and Niv Aranea.  Both do a fantastic job in their scenes and I really look forward to seeing them in more genre titles.  Their male counterparts are just as good with amazing performances from Jonathan May, Newt Wallen, and the rest of the cast.  Honestly, whoever was responsible for casting this film truly deserves a pat on the back and all the praise they can get.  The story for this one is great for a late night watch but I did have some issues with it.  I really liked the light humor scattered throughout and how even though the film's main location was the adult film set, it didn't over do it.  Don't get me wrong, nudity does have it's place in horror but a movie with blood and boobs with no plot is dull as hell. We get a lot of character development, interaction, and a story that is straight to the point.  With that being said, the whole "eat a cookie and become dazed" bit was cheap as hell.  Could these beautiful and chiseled adult film stars not protect themselves from Santa Home Alone style?  I can sit here and name at least a dozen other Christmas classics that they could have paid tribute to while protecting themselves from Santa besides feeding him cookies and letting the diabetic coma take over.  Finally, the film has a lot of fun deaths and plenty of blood.  While the kills are not as gruesome as I would have liked, the addition of the great cast and all the skin more than makes up for it.  Overall, XXX-Mas is a must see during your holiday season.  This is the kind of Christmas movie I could see late night programing, like USA's Up All Night, would be showing late in December.  I highly recommend snagging this one when you can.  

X-Ray

Director - Boaz Davidson (American Cyborg: Steel Warriors, Blood Run)

Starring - Barbi Benton (Deathstalker, Riptide), Charles Lucia (Tank Girl, Society), and Jon Van Ness (Tourist Trap, Supernatural)

Release Date - 1981

Genre - Horror

Tagline - "The movie that will scare the life out of you"

Format - UHD (Personal Collection)

Rating (out of 5):

     X-Ray is one of those films that you either like or hate.  I remember watching it all those years ago and remember liking it but it was a movie that was soon erased from memory.  It doesn't have any memorable qualities but it's enjoyable for a late night horror fix especially if you had never seen it before.  I can see why some genre fans may not like it but I did enjoy it I just couldn't remember anything about it.  When Vinegar Syndrome announced it as the second film on their UHD release I was really looking forward to revisiting both films that I had watched all those years before.  

     The film follows the beautiful Susan (Benton) who stops by the hospital for a routine check up and soon finds herself the center of a horrible game as someone starts tampering with her medical file.  Soon hospital staff starts to go missing as someone dressed as a doctor is stalking and killing with a grudge for Susan.

     X-Ray is a slasher-esque horror flick with a medical theme that struggles with pacing and character development but makes up for it with atmosphere and tension.  The predictable story and corny dialogue makes this a slasher that you may not love but you can enjoy.  The acting in this one is pretty rough at times but still far from the worst I've seen.  The cast is dedicated to their roles and go all in but they still struggle to feel comfortable in front of the camera.  Benton is the only performance that doesn't leave you rolling your eyes as the film progresses.  The story for this one is rather predictable but knowing who the killer is adds a bit of fun to the film.  A lot of the dialogue is awkward and rough to sit through but seeing who dies next is what makes this one so much fun.  Finally, the film has several deaths that fit the medical theme with some solid effects but the lack of gore or imagination in the way the deaths were shot is a bit disappointing.  Overall, X-Ray is not a fantastic film but it is fun especially if you are looking for a late flick to watch while you drink.  I highly recommend checking it out especially if you like the cheesy side of horror.  

Xpiation

Domiziano Cristopharo (Doll Syndrome, Red Krokodil)

Starring - Chiara Pavoni (Violent Shit: The Movie, XXX Dark Web), Emanuele Delia, and Karen Lynn (A Taste of Phobia, Scarecrowd)

Release Date - 2017

Genre - Horror

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection) (Screener)

Rating (out of 5):

     Over the last few years I've been lucky enough to review a few films from Italian director Domiziano Cristopharo.  Several years ago Unearthed Films sent over his film Red Krokodil and most recently I was lucky enough to check out his Confessions of a Necrophile Girl.  His films are not for everyone but I have enjoyed most of his films that I've seen.  When Unearthed announced the release of his 2017 horror flick Xpiation on blu I was looking forward to it.  I quickly made my way to my email so I could request a review copy from my friends over at MVD.  I had been sitting on this one for a couple weeks and after watching Firestarter starring Zac Efron I needed some indie horror to recharge my batteries.  Like always, I want to thank MVD and Unearthed for sending this one over.

     The film follows a woman with her handheld camcorder who films a man torturing another nude man who is bound to a chair.  The woman sometimes records the abuse or at other times she allows torturer to breastfeed on her.  However, the only thing clear is that the man in the chair is there for their amusement and will not be leaving alive.  

     Confessions of a Necrophile girl and Red Krokodil are vile and disgusting films with great practical effects and stories that keep the viewer glued to the screen.  Sadly, Xpiation was one of Cristopharo's films that I did not like.  Most of you know my opinions on the "torture porn" sub-genre and this film was a textbook example of what it means to be a torture porn flick.  It might be something some of you extreme horror fans will love but it was extremely boring to me.  The acting in this one is surprisingly well done for the most part.  IMDB doesn't do a great job listing the cast and characters, which is typical for a Cristopharo film, but it does make my job a little difficult.  Chiara Pavoni is the star of the film for me.  She's gorgeous and carries the film on her shoulders.  The lack of story is ALMOST made up for with her performance and how she carries the scenes.  I loved her here and my new collecting goal is to obtain the horror titles that she has appeared in.  I also believe that the man that is bound to the chair does a decent enough job considering that his only task in his role is to be bound and tortured.  With that being said, the man that is doing the torturing did make me laugh which I can only assume was unintentional.  He didn't really fit the film and was very out of place.  If the film was meant to be comical I would have enjoyed it a little more but the dark and gritty style of the film only clashed with this character.  The story for this one is straight forward and stretched extremely thin.  The film runs for around 70 minutes but 50 or so minutes of the film follows the man as he is tortured and the woman watches.  Sometimes the torture is split up with scenes of the women pleasuring herself, breast feeding the man doing the torturing, among other things.  The movie could have been more effective if it was cut much shorter. However, at 70 minutes it is stretched too thin and the torture is like beating a dead horse.  Finally, the film has some blood and light make up effects but this is nowhere near as gruesome as some of Cristopharo's other films.  Those looking for carnage will be a little disappointed.  Overall, Xpiation may be one of Unearthed Film's weakest titles.  I respect the hell out of Unearthed Films and director Cristopharo but this movie just wasn't for me.  It was extremely dull and boring.  This is one I would skip.  I would suggest checking out some other Unearthed releases instead of this one.  

X

Director - Ti West (The House of the Devil, The Innkeepers)

Starring - Mia Goth (Suspiria, A Cure for Wellness), Jenna Ortega (Scream, Insidious: Chapter 2), and Brittany Snow (Hairspray, Prom Night)

Release Date - 2022

Genre - Horror

Tagline - "Dying to show you a good time"

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection) (Screener)

Rating (out of 5):

      I have a love/hate relationship with A24.  While most genre fans praise every horror film they release I find myself liking only a few of them.  However, the few that I actually like I absolutely adore.  I fucking loved Midsommar, The Witch, and The Lighthouse but most of the other ones that I've seen were huge disappointments.  That's why I never rush to watch a new A24 because I know their track record with myself.  When I saw the trailer for Ti West's X I wasn't impressed.  Horror has seen enough Texas Chainsaw Massacre inspired horror films over the years so I wasn't interested in it.  However, when I received the press release for the physical release I went ahead and requested a copy.  I saw a lot of hype for it among my friends on social media so I was a little curious about it.  I had to admit, that everything I thought I knew about the film was wrong and X is one of the best horror titles of the year, if not the last five years.

     The film follows an amateur adult film crew who travel deep into Texas to film their porn The Farmer's Daughters at the farm of an old couple.  They rented an old farm structure to film in without the couple finding out.   Things start off innocently enough with the crew filming their sex scenes without the elderly couple's knowledge but during one of the scenes they are seen through the windows in the cabin.  That night things take a dark turn when the elderly woman, who is sexually frustrated, starts stalking the crew one by one killing them in graphic manners until her husband joins in forcing the aspiring porn stars to fight for their lives.  

     X was not what I was expecting and once shit hits the fan it holds back no punches and gives horror fans everything they want.  Initially, when I saw the trailer for the film I thought we were getting another Texas Chainsaw Massacre ripoff or clone but the movie isn't that at all.  In fact, not knowing what is coming is what makes this film so god damn effective.  I absolutely loved it and think this is going to be in the running for best film of the year along with The Sadness.  The acting in this one is absolutely fantastic.  We have so many amazing performances with no weak links at all.  The characters are wonderfully written which gives the cast something to work with.  Mia Goth is the star of the show delivering a dual performance as Maxine, the aspiring porn star with a coke problem, and Pearl, the elderly sex fiend who is not afraid to kill in order to get what she wants.  The supporting cast is just as fantastic with amazing performances from Jenna Ortega, Kid Cudi, Brittany Snow, and Martin Henderson.  The story for this one does have that southern Texas charm that was made famous by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre but, honestly, the comparisons between the two can end there.  X does feel like a southern fried slasher with the elderly couple cutting down amateur filmmakers without feeling like another TCM clone.  The movie moves at a snails pace during the first hour but the characters, story, development, and dialogue makes it enjoyable.  With that being said, once we hit the hour or so mark we are taken on a blood soaked rollercoaster ride through murder and mayhem.  When I say that this movie throws everything at the viewer it does.  It's absolutely amazing and I can't wait to revisit this.  Finally, this film is fucking bloody.  We get several different death scenes.  Some involve slit throats, gun shot, crushed fingers, and even a gator gnawing.  The effects are fucking top notch and you will seriously be thinking about these deaths for days after watching it.  Overall, X is not what I was expecting and that's a good thing.  Ti West gives genre fans the first film in what I'm sure will be an unforgettable franchise.  Do yourself a favor and watch this one as soon as you can because word on the street is that the X prequel Pearl is on it's way.  

The XXXorcist

Director - Doug Sakmann (Re-Penetrator, Evil Head)
Sarring - Joanna Angel (Evil Head, Fuckenstein), Tommy Pistol (Evil Head, Re-Penetrator), and Kylee Kross (BurningAngel.com The Movie)
Release Date - 2006
Genre - Horror
Tagline - "When the Devil is inside, the power of Christ cumpels you!"
Format - Streaming

Rating (out of 5):

      Modern horror is known for being sexually charged.  Many of the horror cliches involve nude and busty women fighting for survival while the men in the film try to knock off a piece.  Therefore, the combining of erotic and porn with horror was inevitable.  For decades erotic horror films have been released where they flirt with the boundaries of true horror and softcore porn.  However, it was not until the last few decades that the porn industry has been spoofing any and every film and television show that has been released.  The porn company Burning Angel has been releasing horror parodies of classic horror flicks for a few years now.  I reviewed Re-Penetrator and did not like it at all.  I recently watched The Exorcist and enjoyed it more than I did when I was younger.  I did a little looking and found out that it was parodied by Joanna Angel and her production company.  I knew I would no like it but I wanted to see it anyway.
     The film follows Father Merkin as he enters the home of a young mother who is having problems with her sensual daughter.  Her daughter is possessed by a demon.  Merkin tries all the conventional methods and none succeed.  He resorts to some unconventional methods which include plugging all her holes.  Her mother somehow becomes possessed too and joins in on the sexual carnage.  Father Merkin succeeds in driving the demon out of the young girl but it enters him.  Not wanting to succumb to the demon the priest throws himself out of a window where he falls to his death...and someone steals his wallet.
     
If you read my review for Re-Penetrator then you know that I do not have a taste for shit like this.  I honestly do not understand how anyone could find this kind of thing erotic or sexy.  If you can pop wood from puke covered boobs then this film is for you but I can't lie and say I liked it.  Because this is a porn flick I won't go into detail on the acting.  The acting sucks when compared to your standard flick, however, most people don't watch stag films to see amazing acting.  The plot was mildly entertaining and the only reason I was able to make it through the film all the way.  The Exorcist porn puns were extremely amusing but were overshadowed by the fluid covered sex scenes.  I would have loved to see a more standard parody of this one instead of the sex filled film we did get.  Finally, there is no special effects or on screen deaths but no one was expecting there to be any when watching a porno.  Overall, this is disgusting and not really entertaining.  Only watch this if you like sick and twisted fuckfilms or have parent issues.  Stay away!