A Stoinkmare Before Christmas

Director - Chris Seaver (Evil Night, Ski Wolf)

Starring - Minty Dave, Alec Lambert (The VelociPastor, SexSquatch), and Heather Maxon (Evil Night, Death O'Lantern)

Release Date - 2014

Genre - Comedy/Sci-Fi/Horror

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection)

Rating (out of 5):

     I know some of you are going to get your panties in a twist when you see that I reviewed a Christmas movie in the middle of October but I had to.  When I received the Stoinky Saga I decided to hold off on watching it until this month because the film features a Halloween themed segment.  However, I had to watch the Christmas short before it.  So, here I am watching and reviewing a Christmas short in October.  Shame on me.

     The film follows two young men who are struggling to find the Christmas spirit.  After some brainstorming they decide to create a hot elf to grant their wishes.  Things start out smoothly with her granting their wish for beer and longer dongs but when she starts to act strange they quickly realize that they fucked up.

     A Stoinkmare Before Christmas runs a little less than 20 minutes and you can clearly tell that it was a quick shoot with an idea they had.  It was fun but, unlike other films from Seaver, I don't see myself revisiting it any time soon.  The acting in this one is fun.  It consists of some familiar faces from the Warlock alumni.  They portray similar characters that they have in the passed and really have fun in their roles.  I always have fun watching these over the top characters.  The story for this one is a Christmas themed horror take on Weird Science.  It's fun and you can tell that Seaver and company spun this one out quickly. Flawed or not, I still really enjoyed it for what it was.  Finally, if you want blood you will be very disappointed.  The horror aspect is very light and the film focuses more on the characters and story than it does the deaths.  Overall, A Stoinkmare Before Christmas is not a perfect film and not a prime example of what a Chris Seaver flick is but it is fun and gives fans something else to enjoy.  It's flawed but fun.  

Stoinky Beach

Director - Chris Seaver (The Weirdsies, Paranormal Investigation Agency)

Starring - Alec Lambert (The VelociPastor, Sexsquatch), Clint Kelly (Evil Night, WNUF Halloween Special), and Josh Suire (Happy Helladays, Ski Wolf)

Release Date - 2013

Genre - Comedy

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection) 

Rating (out of 5):

     I've been a fan of Chris Seaver for several years now.  I started buying his movies from his Warlock Home Video store front about 10 years ago and I never looked back.  Everytime he announces something new I immediately message him trying to get the details.  I may not love all his films but I can't deny how fun they are.  Earlier in the year he released the Stoinky Saga on blu.  I had his DVD release of Stoinky Beach so I needed to grab this one for the additional content.  I reached out to him and quickly snagged a copy.  When it arrived I noticed that one of the films was A Stoinkmare on Halloween Street.  I decided then to hold off until October before I dive into the set.  

     The film follows a young man who was just dumped by his girlfriend.  His friends decide that the best cure for a broken heart is to visit Stoinky Beach where all the babes are ready for some mushroom tips in the sugarwalls.  However, his ex and her friends also decide to go to Stoinky Beach.  The two groups try to score but fails when they are greeted by a visitor from another world who tries to convince the two love birds to get back together becaus the world relies on love.

     Chris Seaver is a filmmaker that is always reinventing himself with different labels and characters.  His Low Budget Pictures created some of his most iconic characters like Teenape and Bonejack.  He then brought out the Warlock mascot with his Warlock Home Video label.  This is hands down my favorite era of Seavers.  I've seen most of the films from this time with the exception of two.  Stoinky Beach and The Dingleberries are the two films I had not seen.  Stoinky looked like a movie that I would really enjoy and I was right.  It was definitely fun and did a great job at brining those 80s teen sex comedies to no budget land.  The acting in this one is fun.  The cast, though their imdb pages are lacking, have been in several films.  They all are having fun and that transfers very well on camera.  The characters are carried over from many of the other Warlock Home Video films and the cast does a great job with them.  The story, though restricted by budget, does a great job at trying to capture that 80s teen sex comdey that many of grew up watching.  It was fun but does drag on in some of the scenes while others struggle to set up the story and the characters.  Seaver is known for his rushed shoots and this is clearly one of the cases.  Finally, if you want blood and gore you will miss out here.  The film is comedy more than anything else.  Overall, Stoinky Beach is a funny and cheap comedy that has that Warlock Home Video charm and that 80s humor.  It is well worth a watch.  

Little Necro Red

Director(s) - Giulio De Santi (Taeter City, Hotel Inferno) and Tiziana Machella (Hotel Inferno 2: The Cathedral of Pain)

Starring - Victoria Hopkins (Female Zombie Riot, Zombie Women of Satan), Lucy Drive (Dead End, Zombie Massacre 2: Reich of the Dead), and Sarah T. Cohen (The Viking War, Witches of Amityville Academy)

Release Date - 2019

Genre - Horror

Tagline - "This is not a fairy tale"

Format - DVD (Personal Collection)

Rating (out of 5):

     It's no secret that I love the independent film company Necrostorm.  Their films Taeter City, Adam Chaplin, and Hotel Inferno 1 and 2 are among my favorite films in my collection.  They are a bloody mess and never fail to entertain.  When they announced the release of their newest flick Little Necro Red I knew I would be getting it but with my birthday approaching a friend decided to get a copy of the film for me.  I couldn't wait to give it a spin and decided now was the perfect time to check it out.  

     The film follows a mother who will stop at nothing to find her missing daughter.  Her search takes her into the seedy unground where she comes across an ancient cult that is leaving a bloody path in their wake.  Will she find her daughter or was her daughter one of the many victims of this death cult?

     A few of my friends knows how much I love Necrostorm and was telling me that this was their weekest film yet.  I know where they stand with them and their films so I took what they had to say with a grain of salt.  However, within the first 20 minutes I could tell that they were right.  Sure, the film was extremely violent and gory but the story itself was painfully dull.  The acting in this one is decent.  The "normal" characters are not that fun to watch.  Their dialogue and performances are solid but they are overshadowed by the sinister characters that steal each and every scene they are in.  It's almost not fair that they are in the same movie as the regular characters.  The story for this one feels like two movies going at the same time.  On the one side we follows the woman searching for her daughter.  This aspect of the film doesn't really feel like your typical Necrostorm film.  It's very grounded and rational.  Then we follow the other side with the cult that is just full of brutal kills and insane amounts of gore.  The two really counteract each other and really throws the flow of the film off.  Finally, if you've seen a Necrostorm film before then you know exactly what you will be in store for.  The film is absolutely overflowing with their off the wall practical effects and carnage.  The kills are unforgettable and the center of every scene.  Overall, Little Necro Red is not the kind of film we've come to expect from Necrostorm but it still satisfies.  You sick fucks will really enjoy this one.  

Blood Freak

Director(s) - Daniel Boyd (Jagoff Massacre) and Tim Gross 

Starring - Chuck Conners (Jagoff Massacre), Ashleigh Schimmel, Tim Gross

Release Date - 2020

Genre - Horror/Comedy

Tagline - "Witness a horror most foul"
Format - DVD (Personal Collection)

Rating (out of 5):

     Thanksgiving is a holiday that doesn't get a lot of love from the horror community.  There is only a few horror flicks centered around the holiday and just a few more that you can twist to make work.  One of the most infamous horror films is the anti-drug flick Blood Freak.  The film features a killer donning a turkey mask as he kills drug users.  A film known for being bad that has a cult following is often screened around the holiday.  A few days ago I discovered that Daniel Boyd and Tim Gross has worked together to remake this classic.  I really wanted to see it so I ordered a copy but I couldn't wait a month to see it so I added it to my Halloween rotation this year.  

     The film follows biker Herschel (Conners) who meets a devout Christian woman who tells him about Christ.  He becomes a believer and drops her off at a party that her sister Anne (Schimmel) is attending.  She tries to get him to use drugs but he refuses.  However, over the next day or so, she convinces him to try it.  He becomes hooked and will do anything for a fix.  Anne's father put him to work on the turkey farm and soon he turns to the scientist and his helper who are using chemicals to genetically modify the fouls for extra cash.  They convince him to eat one of the turkies that htye had been testing and he dies only to awaken as a blood thirsty drugged out psycho.

     I honestly didn't know what to expect from this no budget remake but I found myself seriously struggling to finish it.  The movie did pick it up during the last 20 minutes and was really fun but not enough to make up for it.  The acting in this one is very inexperienced and amatuerish.  The cast has a lot of fun in their roles and it really shows.  I liked the characters as well.  They reminded me a lot of old Brain Damage films from the early 00s.  However, the inexperienced cast does make a few awkward scenes.  The story for this one is very inconsistent.  The first two thirds of the film is extremely boring.  The character interactions and scenes are very dry and the cast's inexperience makes them very awkward.  However, the last portion of the film is very fun and entertaining.  If the entire film had that eneergy it would have been an instant hit.  Finally, the film is blody during the last few minutes of the film.  The no-budget horror remake showcases some DIY practical effects that work for the film but are easily forgettable.  Overall, Blood Freak has the heart that most indie horror flicks lack but the execution is just all off.  The movie is a tough one to sit through but if you can make it through the first hour the last 20 minutes if your reward.  

Never Hike Alone

Director - Vincente DiSanti (Last Broadcast, Never Hike in the Snow)

Starring - Drew Leighty (The Exchange, Submission), Vincente DiSanti, and Katie Schwartz (Rag Doll, Batgirl: Retribution)

Release Date - 2017

Genre - Horror

Tagline - "A Friday the 13th fan film"

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection)

Rating (out of 5):

     October is the best time of year for horror fans and most companies that release movies know this.  They save some of their best releases for October which makes this month pretty expensive for movie collectors.  Most of the horror community is up with excitement at Scream Factory's Friday the 13th box set.  This release includes the much sought after gore effects that was gut out of part 2.  While I was waiting on my set to arrive I decided to get in the Friday the 13th spirit and continue my horror movie binging.  I decided to check out the fan film Never Hike Alone.  I some how ended up with a copy of this one on blu but I can't figure out where it came from.  Regardless, I wanted to give it a spin while I waited. 

     The film follows a hiker who vlogs his outdoor experiences for his social media followers.  While hiking through the woods he comes across the remaining structures of Camp Crystal Lake along with the mutilated remains of an animal.  He takes it outside to bury it and begin his journey again when he comes face to face with the iconic hockey masked slasher, Jason Voorhees.  

     I learn a lot about indie horror from the various movie collecting groups I'm in.  Most indie productions can't afford to advertise so word of mouth is their best way to get their films out there.  When this film was released I recall so many people in these groups losing their fucking minds over the blu.  In fact, once they stopped offering the blu I remember seeing people selling their copies for $80 plus.  That is what made me so curious about this fan film.  Was it really that impressive?  Well, after finally watching it I can quickly tell you that it's not.  In fact, I struggled to actually finish it.  The acting in this one is pretty solid.  Jason had his now legendary movements down pretty well with director DiSanti taking over the role of the iconic slasher.  Leighty was solid as well as the hiking social media personality.  He was genuine in front of the camera and did a solid job.  The last portion of the film witnesses the introduction of several new members of the cast including Friday the 13th's Thom Mathews returning as Tommy Jarvis.  He wasn't in the film nearly enough.  The story for this one would be pretty solid as a short but stretching a guy hiking in the woods alone for 50 minutes was pretty boring in my opinion.  Cutting that run time down to 30 or so minutes would give the story way more impact.  Instead, we paitently watch one man walk, record himself, and walk some more.  Not that fun.  Also, the portion with Jason is very anti-climatic.  You toss in a Friday the 13th film for a body count which we don't get here.  Finally, the film has some blood and a fantastic looking animal carcas but if you are looking for graphic slasher deaths you will surely be disappointed.  The kills that make a Jason flick so much fun are nowhere to be seen.  Overall, Never Hike Alone is a solid idea but poorly executed.  I can see why Friday the 13th fans like it but it didn't have feel like a Friday the 13th movie to me.  The last 10 minutes were fun but the remainder of the film was a tough one to sit through.  

Satan's Children

Director - Joe Wiezycki (Willy's Gone)

Starring - Stephen White (Gas!, Final Chapter: Walking Tall), Joyce Molloy, and Eldon Mecham 

Release Date - 1975

Genre - Horror

Tagline - "Devil worshipping has changed them into...Satan's Children"

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection)

Rating (out of 5):

     When I picked up the Satanis: The Devil's Mass blu from AGFA it was because I was mostly interested in the bonus film in the set which is the 1975 Satanic cult horror film Satan's Children.  When I was in college I visited a shop that had a ton of horror memorabilia and the poster for the film was hanging on the wall.  I've always been curious about this flick but never found myself actually able to check it out.  When I saw that AGFA was putting this set out I had to pick it up and I did.  It was on my shelf for sometime but I decided that this October was the perfect month to finally give it a go.  

     The film follows teenage Bobby (White) who leaves his verbally abuse father and promiscuous step-sister.  His jounrey lands him in a diner where he meets another young man who takes him back to his place.  There he is beat and raped before left for dead on the side of the road.  A Satanic cult finds him and takes him back to their compound where they tend to his wounds.  The second in charge starts to like him but the leader of the cult suspects that he may be gay and they don't like homosexuals.

     I was so fucking excited to check this one out.  I've watched a few of the trailers for this one over the years which only driven my excitement.  Sadly, the movie was a bit of a mess and nowhere near as fun as I thought it was going to be.  In fact, aside from a few cool moments I found myself struggling to even finish it.  The acting in this one is pretty solid.  The cast really gets into their roles.  The cast is rather amatuerish but they really do try.  I really liked the characters and their performances were solid enough.  The story for this one is rather simple but is stretched very thin.  The Satanic cult portion mixing with the closeted gay is a bit of a contrasting view of the actual Satanic Temple but for movie purposes it worked.  It paints them as the monsters that society sees them as when in actuality they are more humanitarian that most religions.  With that being said, the movie is a bit of a slow burner with heavy dialogue scenes that stretches the film out but doesn't bring anything to the story.  Finally, the film has some blood but nothing spectacular or memorable.  In fact, a movie titled Satan's Childrens is not as bloody as you would expect.  Overall, Satan's Children was a movie I had waited years to see and was very let down by it.  It has potential but the movie as it is was a huge waste of time.  Skip it.  

Satanis: The Devil's Mass

Director - Ray Laurent 

Starring - Isaac Bonewits, Anton LaVey (Invocation of my Demon Brother), and Diane LaVey (Witchcraft '70, MSNBC Investigates)

Release Date - 1970

Genre - Documentary

Tagline - "The first film to ever lay bare the bizarre secrets of the pleasure cult!"

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection) 

Rating (out of 5):

      With Halloween approaching I wanted to keep my horror binge going but decided to mix it up a little bit.  I recently watched The Films of Sarah Jacobson because I wanted to see I Was a Teenage Serial Killer this month.  I decided to follow up that viewing with another AGFA release.  This time it was their blu release of the 1970 documentary Satanis: The Devil's Mass.  I know some of you are thinking that this is a documentary and not a horror movie but you need to remember that I grew up during the whole Satanic panic of the late 80s.  Hearing suburban moms crying that Halloween was a night for Satan is something I commonly heard and this documentary really put me in a nostalgic Halloween spirit.  

     The documentary follows Anton LaVey and the Satanic Church.  We get a glimpse inside their home, their ceremonies, rituals, and how the neighborhood around them see them.  

     Satanis: The Devil's Mass is not the most informative documentary and doesn't dive deep into the history but the one thing it really does well is show you the look at the life of LaVey and the others in the Satanic Church.  The interviews we get in this one are on both sides of the coin so to speak.  We get people from inside the church and people that are opposed to it.  I really liked that we get interviews from locals who are against it.  It really gives the documentary ground and shows it's not biased.  The topics discussed are mostly current.  It's great if you are looking for an inside look at the church now but I, for one, would love to hear more about the founding of the church and how it came to be.  Finally, the editing in this one is pretty choppy.  The interviews and topics are not that smooth and the transitions doesn't help with the flow of the film either.  The movie, like LaVey himself, almost has an anarchic approach.  We jump from person to person and hear their testimonies with no real rhyme or reason as to why that person is talking about what they are talking about.  Overall, Satanis: The Devil's Mass is an intersting documentary but it's not without it's shortcomings.  I enjoyed what we get but some polish and an outline would have went a long way with this one.  The remaster of this one is not that impressive but AGFA is known for keeping that grainy look while preserving their films.  Check it out but don't expect a life changing experience.  

I Was a Teenage Serial Killer

Director - Sarah Jacobson (Mary Jane's Not a Virgin Anymore)

Starring - Kristen Bree Calabrese (Gone for a Week), Phil Calabrese, and Corey

Release Date - 1993

Genre - Horror

Tagline - "See the horror of righteous dismemberment! Feel the triumph when sexist pigs are wasted! Hear the screams of terror! Join Mary, America's favorite female serial killer, who kills off dumb men."

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection)

Rating (out of 5):

     I know most of the horror fans out there will be bitching and moaning that I reviewed a non-horror movie during the month of October but my goal with Mary Jane's Not a Virgin Anymore was to check it out so I could move on to the second film in the set which is Jacobson's 1993 horror short I Was a Teenage Serial Killer.  I was so impressed by MJNaVA and I couldn't wait to dive into this horror short from Jacobson.  

     The film follows Mary (Calabrese) who is your typical woman until she discovers that men are pigs.  As she roams the streets she finds different shitty men to kill ranging from guys she's sleeping with who take their condoms off, men who catcall, and serial killers who kill men and women.

     I wasn't expecting a film as fun and enthralling as Jacobson's feature film but this one was a solid short that did enough to hold my attention.  I enjoyed it enough and I could see myself tossing both films in for something to watch when I can't make my mind up.  It was entertaining but wasn't without it's own flaws.  The acting in this one is indie quality.  The cast really dedicates themselves to their roles but inexperience rears it's ugly head.  I like the characters and Calabrese's portrayal of a feminist serial killer but some of the scenes are a little on the goofy side.  The story for this one is very effective as a short but it's not without a few unintentional laughs.  It fills the time wisely and works.  Finally, the film has a few kills with some blood.  The effects are minimal but have that no budget charm that most indie horror fans can appreciate.  They are nothing special and rather forgettable but they work for the film.  Overall, I Was a Teenage Serial Killer is a fun no budget experience.  Most fans of horror and underground will appreciate the simplicity of the film.  It's flawed but hits the right spot.  

Mary Jane's Not a Virgin Anymore

Director - Sarah Jacobson  (I Was A Teenage Serial Killer)

Starring - Lisa Gerstein (Bad Boy, Boiler Room), Chris Enright (Pillow Talk, Metalman), and Greg Cruikshank (Whatever Happened to Susan Jane, A Day in the Life of a Death)

Release Date - 1996

Genre - Drama/Romance

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection)

Rating (out of 5):

     There is several labels that I enjoy collecting.  Companies like Vinegar Syndrome, Wild Eye, and MVD Rewind Collection are all solid labels that I love adding to my collection.  Monthly I will scramble to get their releases while adding to my collection.  Another label that I love is AGFA, or American Genre Film Archive.  They release some odd and unique films.  Sometime last year I snagged their Films of Sarah Jacobson who passed away young from cancer.  I had heard of her feature length film for sometime so I was excited to see AGFA was giving it the blu treatment.  

     The film follows Mary Jane (Gerstein) who is in her last year of high school.  She has her entire life ahead of her but is fixated on losing her virginity.  After she loses it she discovers that everyone's first time was as horrible as hers and soon hooks up with a co-worker who works with her during the act to satisfy her as well.  After seeing sex can go both ways she finds herself drawn to him but soon loses him in an automobile accident.  

     I had heard other talk about Jacobson and her film over the years in the different movie groups and forums I've been a member of.  Her reputation as the queen of underground filmmaking shows that she was good at what she was doing and I was excited to finally check it out.  I'll be completely honest here.  I fucking loved MJNAVA.  This unusual film reminded me so much of the early works of John Waters meets David Lynch.  It was an absolutely amazing film and one I would argue is an essential piece of cinema.  The acting in this one works for the film but a lot of the cast had a lot to learn.  The characters are all real and genuine.  I felt like I knew everyone in this film when it was over with.  They reminded me so much of the people in my life when I was growing up.  I loved the cast of characters.  The story for this one is pretty simple but much like the early works of Waters we get drawn in with the characters and how they interact with each other.  The film is not as crude as films like Pink Flamingos but it does have adult dialogue similar to the stuff you could find on MTV during the mid-90s.  The film is dialogue heavy but I did not find myself becoming bored at all.  I actually really enjoyed the character interactions.  Finally, this is not a bloody flick.  In fact, it is the furthest from a bloody film you could find.  Overall, Mary Jane's Not a Virgin Anymore is an amazing film from a woman that was taken way too soon.  I absolutely loved it and I'm heartbroken thinking about what she could have accomplished if she wasn't taken away when she was.  This movie is a must see!

Ma

Director - Tate Taylor (Filthy Rich, The Help)

Starring - Octavia Spencer (Hidden Figures, The Help), Diana Silvers (Glass, Into the Dark), and Juliette Lewis (From Dusk Till Dawn, Natural Born Killers)

Release Date - 2019

Genre - Horror/Thriller

Tagline - "Get home safe"

Format - Bluray (Personal Collection) (Screener)

Rating (out of 5):

     Here were are.  It took me almost a week but I was able to dig through all ten of the films in the Blumhouse of Horrors bluray set and write full reviews for each film.  It was time consuming and some of the movies were tough to sit through but I actually enjoyed myself.  I saved the most anticipated film in the set for last.  Last year saw the release of Ma starring Octavia Spencer.  I really wanted to see it but with two toddlers and a 6 year old I found it extremely difficult to get to the movies.  When the movie was released I snagged a copy but never got around to checking it out until now.  

     The film follows a group of high schoolers who convince Ma (Spencer) to buy them some liquor.  After doing it a few times she convinces them to start partying at her home.  A good thing turns suspicious when they start losing jewelry and passing out randomly. When they try to break it off with Ma things turn deadly.

     This is the movie I was the most excited to see.  It looked like a well acted and put together horror thriller that would be a lot of fun...and it was.  The story is very predictable but that didn't stop me from really enjoying it.  Is it the best film in the set?  Absolutely not but it was solid from start to finish which is all we can ask for!  The acting in this one is absolutely great.  I'm not really a fan of Lewis and her character doesn't feel genuine but the remainder of the cast did a fantastic job.  Spencer is no short of brilliant.  Her character gives chills and works perfectly for the film.  Silvers and the rest of the cast is great as well.  Their characters are rather cliched and generic but they do a great job at making them feel believable.  The story for this one is a solid thriller with several horror elements that works well but is rather predictable.  In fact, the trailer gives most of the movie away but that doesn't take the fun away from it.  It still works and definitely entertains.   Finally, the film does have some bloody moments.  The practical effects all look great and there is a surprising amount of blood.  I was really caught off guard by this and how most of the other films in this set lacked the blood.  Overall, Ma may be boring for some but if you are looking for a well made thriller then this one is for you!