Blood Diner

Director - Jackie Kong (The Being)
Starring - Rick Burks (The Underachievers), Carl Crew (Urban Legends), and LaNette La France
Release Date - 1987
Genre - Horror/Comedy
Tagline - "First they greet you, then they eat you"
Format - DVD (Personal Collection) (Horror Collection: 6 Films)
Favorite Quote - "Armed with a meat cleaver in one hand and his genitals in the other"

Rating (out of 5):

     Growing up I was always looking for those great 80's films on VHS and this is one that always seemed to be recommended.  I never wanted to watch it but a lot of horror fans swear by it.  After watching a few clips and trailers on youtube I deemed this movie shitty and shrugged it off.  However, over time my 80's films started dwindling and  I started looking in to movies I thought looked shitty.  I was at FYE and came across a 6 film set for $9.  This is not the reason I bought the set but it was a great bonus.  After much debate I finally sat down and gave it a shot.

     The film opens with two small boys playing in their living while their mom is out grabbing some tampons.  A killer has just escaped from an asylum and the police are on his trail.  He cuts through the front door with a meat cleaver.  The kids rush to him and we discover he is their uncle.  His uncle knows he is about to be gunned down and gives his nephews two Sumerian amulets.  He then embraces his demise and walks out the front door and is shot down by the police.  The film then jumps 20 years and the two brothers are now young adults.  They head to the cemetery and start digging up their Uncle Anwar's grave.  They kill a guard, and then remove his brain from his skull.  After saying a small spell, Anwar's brain is now alive.  The three set out to resurrect the Sumerian Goddess Sheetar by creating a body out of body parts that will be the perfect host for her.  They also sell cannibalistic dishes out of their diner to unsuspecting customers for the ritual that is needed to resurrect Sheetar.  After a group of cheerleaders are killed by two armed men, the police start suspecting that it is cannibals due to the bite makes on the deceased.  After completing their "Frankenstein" like female body for Sheetar, the brothers head out to a club to perform a virgin sacrifice in order to resurrect her.  After chanting a spell Sheetar posses the body and is about the snack on the virgin while zombies run a muck in the club. I guess calling Sheetar also raises zombies because zombies appear and start snacking on the party goers.  The police, by now, has caught on and arrive to bring the whole show to an end...

     This movie has everything I love about 80's cinema, but ruined it with a shithole ending.  The acting is decent at best but it does not take away from the film.  Also, the effects are 80's amazing.  I love the practical effects in this.  Sheetar looks amazing and I love her belly vagina with teeth.  It has that 80's monster vibe that you can't find in today's horror films.  However, the zombies look ridiculous with their green skin and black around their eyes.  They look like they were prepared to hunt Bambi's mom instead of brains.  Also, the brain in the pickle jar looks stupid.  In some scenes it adds campy fun to the movie, while in others, it just ruins the feel of the movie.  The movie has a hard time determining if it wants to be funny or follow the story line.  An example of this is the wrestling match between the brother and Jimmy Hitler.  It served no purpose in the film except to get a quick laugh from the viewer.  The film would be an 80's classic if they would have tried to work the humor in with the story line instead of making the random scenes.  Now on to my biggest complaint, the ending.  The movie follows a very good pace throughout the entire film, however, at the end the movie is rushed.  Everything happens all at once and this makes the movie feel as if it was rushed to be completed.  You barely notice the zombies enter the film, in fact, I had to actually rewind the film to see if there was something I missed.  The ending, also, does not offer any closure to the storyline at all and leaves the viewer guessing.  Overall, the film is enjoyable if you prepare yourself for a silly, campy ride in to 80's but don't expect to give the film a replay in the near future.