Sunday, February 10, 2013

A Vampire's Tale

aka Umbrage: The First Vampire

Director - Drew Cullingham (The Devil's Bargain)
Starring - Doug Bradley (Hellraiser, Hellbound: Hellraiser II), Rita Ramnani (Strippers vs. Werewolves), and Jonnie Hurn (Zombie Diaries 2)
Release Date - 2009
Genre - Horror/Western
Tagline - "Darkness is your only friend"
Format - DVD (Redbox Rental)

Rating (out of 5):
     It is sad how horror legends of the 70's, 80's, and 90's can not find work in films of the same quality that made them famous.  Doug Bradley is the perfect example of a horror legend falling from grace.  Bradley is famous for his portrayal of the lead cenobite, Pinhead.  Pinhead is one of the most recognizable horror icons to come out of the 80's.  He can be spotted on t-shirts, posters, random movie memorabilia, and even tattoos.  Regardless of the character's success it is a difficult road to travel for a horror movie actor.  Bradley tried to ride the success of the Hellraiser series out until the bitter end.  Unfortunately the Hellraiser series turned to shit and this dragged down his name.  I wanted to continue watching movies I have never seen before after watching the entire Hellraiser series last week.  While at Wal-Mart last night I checked out the Redbox and found this film.  I knew when I saw Doug Bradley's name on it that it would suck horribly but I had to see it just for Bradley.         
     Jacob (Bradley) is an antiques dealer that just recently moved in to an isolated farmhouse with his pregnant younger wife and his step-daughter from a previous marriage.  The two young ladies hate each other and are constantly at each others throats.  Jacob just received an obsidian mirror that was discovered in the Mesopotamian Desert.  He plans on selling it to the highest bidder in hopes of making enough money to keep both girls at bay.  Jacob is unaware of the hell that is about to be brought down up on his new home.  Two hikers are passing through the woods nearby and decide to set up camp for the night.  One of them was recently dumped and the pair decide to drink some wine and have a good ol' time.  The hikers raise a bit of a ruckus and interrupt a nearby ornithologist who is searching for a screech owl.  The bird watcher is interested in drinking some wine and riding one of the hikers.  The bird watcher and the hiker wonder off in to the woods to fornicate leaving the heartbroken hiker alone to drink his wine.  After a few moments the hiker with the girl screams out in pain.  His friend rushes through the woods to find him covered in blood and his penis severed.  The two panic and run for Jacob's farm where he meets them at the door.  Jacob brings them in while his step-daughter is exploring the nearby barn where she finds a man dressed as a cowboy.  The hiker is convinced that it is the shadows that killed his friend but the cowboy tells the girl it was the bird watcher.  The bird watcher's name is Lilith and she has been around since the beginning of time.  God created her and Adam in his imagine but Lilith refused to screw Adam and escaped from the Garden of Eden.  She has been feeding on the blood of humans ever since.  The cowboy was once a gun fighter that Lilith turned in to a vampire and tortured before he was able to escape.  He has spent everyday since then in pursuit of hunting her and finding a way to kill her.  The shadows attack and kill Jacob's pregnant wife and the hiker leaving only Jacob and his step-daughter.  The cowboy did some research and discovered she can be killed by a bone, presumably the rib of Adam, if she is stabbed in the heart.  The cowboy loses the bone during the struggle and resorts to his back up plan, bullets with bone tips.  He shoots Lilith and she is transported to a world inside the obsidian mirror.  The cowboy goes inside the mirror and finishes her off.  He returns back to our world and turns Jacob's step-daughter in to a vampire.  She then feeds on Jacob.
     This movie was bad, however, it was better than I expected.  The story is what made this movie watchable.  I assumed this would be a straight forward vampire flick but I was surprised with the whole Adam and Eve...and Lilith aspect of it.  That little aspect in the story reminded me a lot of the television show Supernatural, which I am a huge fan of.  Straight forward vampire flicks are played out forcing directors and writers to actually apply some thought and create something original, and god forbid, worth a damn.  The acting is very well done and Bradley did an amazing job portraying his character, however, he does not play a convincing blind man.  The rest of the cast did a great job.  I normally don't pay attention to nudity in a film but I was all for Lilith going topless.  The special effects are pretty much non-existent.  The vampires have fangs and and fake blood smeared everywhere and some scenes have shitty CGI work.  The team behind the film could have left the CGI out of the film.  Overall, this is a movie that falls short of being entertaining and was only created to cash in on the success of Doug Bradley's name.  I would find something else to watch if I was you...                             

No comments:

Post a Comment