Christina Blu-Ray

Jewel Shepard is “Christina” from the popular erotica book series. Christina is a rich and glamorous playgirl who runs one of the most popular magazines in the world. She goes from one gorgeous location to the next doing what she pleases. While visiting an old flame she is kidnapped and held ransom by a group of commando lesbians! This is just the start of this wild and ridiculous T&A opus.

Being unfamiliar with this title and the book series, I was shocked to see the “ball busting prick” from the classic “Return of the Living Dead” in such a promiscuous role.  “Christina” is a huge product of the 80’s so, if attitude and nostalgia permit, it should be enjoyable.  “Christina” is ungodly cheesy in its dubbing, plot, and fight choreography. This can either hinder the experience or make it more pleasurable. The audience is also subjugated to seemingly endless dreamy sexual awakenings from our vixen, including some narrative insight from our horny captive. Christina writhes in white sheets from strange items that poke and prod her until she is overcome with pleasure. These scenes seem to pop up here and there for a huge chunk of the film and, although sexualized and gratuitous, wear out their welcome. That said, there are scenes of sex depicted in “Christina” that are done well, including the boat scene, which test the boundaries in the film with its explicit sexual positions. “Christina,” in its cheesy demeanor and exploitative nature, does carry some good belly laughs and it is interesting to see a woman in control at times with her sexual prowess. The film never forgets it is exploitation, so being a rich playgirl in this world goes hand in hand in being molested by a group of lesbian terrorists. Christina never seems to be in deathly peril and it’s all fluff, even when the subject matter would normally be hard edged and upsetting.  The film winds down with a big party where Christina causally tosses off her clothes and dances with the masses. This scene sums up the entirety of the previous hour and 20 minutes. Before the credits roll, we see our lead tease with a stack of other Christina paperback adventures ready to grace home video and the silver screen, which we never got.

“Christina” is remastered on Blu-ray and looks fairly solid; it has the typical damage one might expect from a film of its time. Some of the scenes are out of focus, but I wouldn’t blame the release. The disc does not contain any features or subtitles so hard of hearing or the hearing impaired are out of luck. Though, trust me, you don’t need them.