Cheeseballs

CHEESEBALLS
Writer/Director: Tom Martino, Matt Rogers
Starring: Lloyd Kaufman, Sam Rivas, Chuck Norfolk
Availability: www.dwnproductions.net
Rating:

   Why must bad movies happen to good people?  None of us do anything to truly deserve it. Sometimes a director has the best of intentions, but just doesn't have the chops to pull off something worthwhile.  Other times, though, you see a movie that is so insulting, so mind-numbing in its ineptness, you have to take personal offense that such a movie not only exists, but has been released.  So, for this review, I have chosen to issue an open letter to director Tom Martino.


Dear Tom or Mr. Martino or whatever it is you want to be called by,
    Good sir, why do you hate me?  I'm not a terrible person.  I go to work every day to a job I can't fucking stand.  I do what I can to support my family.  Hell, I even try as hard as I can to support you guys working in the underground.  It's the least I can do as far as I can tell.  Then you do this to me.  What kind of fucking monster are you, for making something this lazy, insulting, uninspired, and dare I say, unwatchable?  You knew what you were doing.  You made it perfectly clear that your intention was to make a movie that was an homage to bad movies.  However, you forgot one very important thing.  If you're going to make a movie that is bad on purpose, you still have to make it at least funny, clever, or at least create the illusion that some effort was made into the fucking thing!

    The thing is, Tom, that a lot of people were not very fond of your previous movie Race War The Remake.  To say the movie was divisive would be an understatement.  You know what, though?  I defended it.  The movie entertained me, and it made me laugh quite a bit, and that's all I was looking for in a movie like that.  I was looking forward to this movie.  I forked over the 10 dollars plus shipping willingly, because while the trailer didn't do much for me, I figured it would be worth a couple laughs.  Plus, the Goosebumps-inspired cover art was a nice touch.  What's the worst that could happen, right?

    Well, I know never to ask that fucking question again.  Your movie raped me, Tom.  Do you know what it feels like to be raped?  Well, to be fair, I don't have any real frame of reference, but I imagine if one was to be raped, it would be equivalent to the way I felt after I turned this movie off.  I was angry.  I wanted to beat my wife and child, but didn't, because they weren't home at the time.  I wanted to find a zoo, and pay them all my savings to send you a heaping pile of elephant dung, to let you know what I thought about your fucking movie.  None of the stories were entertaining.  The writing was awful.  The acting was awful.  The effects were awful.  The humor was awful.  How does one make a movie that has this much fucking awful in a mere 90 minutes?

    Look, Tom.  It's possible you are a good guy.  I don't know much about you, but I hope you are a genuinely decent guy when you're not raping people.  I mean, it's possible you might make another movie I like, and while this review might guarantee we will probably never be good friends, it's an honest reflection of just how fucking angry your movie made me feel!  Fuck you, Tom.  You are going to need to spend the rest of your career making amends for this one.

Sincerely,
Denver Owen Johnson II

    I implore you, people.  Don't buy this movie.  Don't rent this movie.  If someone has a copy they are giving away, tell them what a horrible friend they are and turn your back on them.  This is the kind of movie that gives a bad name to independent cinema.  People like Chris Seaver do this shit well, because his movies are actually fucking funny.  This was so disastrously awful.  Even the shooting style was painfully generic.  The animation sequence, which I thought may have been a saving grace, was just as awful as the rest.  The humor is sophomoric and stupid.  Everything about this movie is so shallow, disgraceful, and putrid.  I generally like just about every indie movie I see in some way...So you know if I hate it, avoid it like the fucking plague.

    Until next time, my fellow freaks and weirdos...